Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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