There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
