please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
