my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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