Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
