I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
