and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
