how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
