did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
