you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So much rum. So many feels.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
