Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
