pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
