I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
