There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
