I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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