He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
