I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
