instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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