I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
