I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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