I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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