I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
