i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
