dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
