Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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