anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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