i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
