I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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