it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
