i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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