I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
