the condom got lost in my hair
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
