If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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