and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
