My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
