Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
