Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
