We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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