Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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