And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
