Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
