I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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