Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Is it penis luge time yet?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
