if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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