help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
