Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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