I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
