We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
