all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
