dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
