I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
